Aeron Phoenixwing

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Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Soraace on Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:12 am

Spoiler:

Full name: Aeron Phoenixwing
Nicknames: None

Class: Triumvirate Knight
Race: High Elf
Alignment: Neutral good
Diety: Triumvirate
Place of origin: Verseau

Age: 23
Gender: Male
Height: 6’ 1”
Weight: 145 pounds
Eyes: Grey
Hair: Black
Skin:  Tan
Appearance: Aeron is a pretty normal looking elf for his age. He is pretty well built with the amount of training he does. His clothing is a mix of mail and leather of red, white, black, and brown. There is a chain along his waist that holds an old looking journal.

Association: Church of the triumvirate

Professions:  Knight

Special Abilites: Light wielder, experienced combat

God Artifact: The Destroyer’s Apocrypha – A book that once belonged to Nothra the Elder god. The book has been in the mortal realm offering power to the ones who find it in exchange for their consciousness.
The book has five seals on it and releasing each seal will slowly change the user's personality over long periods of breaking seals and consumption of using its power.
The seal may be restored, but effects will still linger. Upon using its final seal the user will die.

Personality: tries to be nice to everyone and doesn't like to come into conflicts. He likes to seek new things out when the opportunity arises. He doesn't exactly care about the race conflicts. He will try to make friends with just about anyone who wants to be his friend. He is also a creative thinker.

History:
At a young age Aeron lost his parents in a fire and he was collected by some merchants of Verseau. The merchants allowed him to travel with them for a year before dumping him at an orphanage. During his time at the orphanage the caretaker had an old piano and taught him how to play it. When he was old enough The Church of the Triumvirate took him in and trained him to be a knight in their order. He trained well among his peers and was respected as well. Though Aeron has his faults during his training to become a knight he fulfilled his rite and became one when he stood guard over a village in Arcia.

The order sent him along to a village with other knights to eliminate a group of cultists within it called The Followers. What they did not know was that The Followers had the entire village under its control. The squad fought and stood its ground against the village, putting up a good fight against them, but both received significant losses until Aeron was left alone against the last three cultists. He retreated to the town library and took his last stand against them. Aeron managed to win against two of them, but the last did something unexpected. He brought out a book from the folds of his clothing and started chanting in a strange, dead language.

Aeron rushed at the last cultist, slamming into him and grabbing the book. He saw a weird flash in his mind, but couldn't make out what it was. Aeron killed the last cultist before he could react and took the book, only to find the pages of the tome were blank. Aeron thought it was better to take the book with him until he better understood what it was.He returned to the church after burying the dead of the village and waited for his orders. The Church gave him a reprieve so that he can rest before the next mission and to evaluate him on his last one. The Church thought to have him better suited as a bodyguard to an emissary to the lands of Duul'sso Thac'zil as they try to negotiate with the drow and the orcs to establish a branch in the land in case the demons of the world try to attack them.


Last edited by Soraace on Sun Apr 27, 2014 2:19 pm; edited 7 times in total
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Azabiel on Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:38 am

Soraace wrote:Class: Templar Knight
The proper name would be "Triumvirate Knight" or a variation on that.

Soraace wrote:God Artifact: The Destroyer’s Apocrypha – A book that once belonged to Nothra the Elder god. The book has been in the mortal realm offering power to the ones who find it in exchange for their consciousness. The book has five seals on it and releasing each seal will slowly change the user's personality over long periods of breaking seals and consumption of using its power. The seal may be restored, but effects will still linger. Upon using its final seal the user will die.
Personality: tries to be nice to everyone and doesn't like to come into conflicts. He likes to seek new things out when the opportunity arises. He doesn't exactly care about the race conflicts. He will try to make friends with just about anyone who wants to be his friend.
Go ahead and separate these sections.

Soraace wrote:At a young age Aeron lost his parents in a fire and he was collected by the merchants of Veraseau.
"Veraseau" should be changed to "Verseau". Not a big issue, just saying.

soraace wrote:The squad fought and stood its ground against the village, but the squad was dwindling away until Aeron was the last one left. He hid in the town library and he took his last stand against the village. He managed to win against them and decided to take one of their books as a reminder of what he did that day.
It iss mentioned that the Triumvirate squad was decimated, but there's no mention that any significant loss occurred on the part of the cultists. It makes it sound like he was able to easily wipe out the threat that the rest of his squad couldn't come close to handling. More detail would likely help resolve this issue.

Soraace wrote:He didn’t know that he took was the thing that cultists coveted most, a lost artifact from a god.
It's unlikely that the cultists or anyone else would know what the book is unless the artifact reacted to them, in which case, it would probably have been used in some way other than sitting in a library.

Soraace wrote:As he returned back to the church they were displeased that all, but one knight managed to come back to them and that the entire village was destroyed in order to do the mission. They put the blame on him for the disaster and made him do attending work for others.
While that scenario could potentially happen, it is not uncommon for a well organized institution like that to base their knowledge of the situation on the report of those that return from the mission. In that sense, unless he gave an extremely poor report that make it seem like his failure directly caused the deaths of the rest of his squad, they probably wouldn't punish him.


This last section isn't a correction on the profile, but a bit of info to potentially add more detail to your profile.
A very secretive cult called "The Followers" exists in the LoB Setting. These are, quite simply, followers of the Elder Gods. A better way to say it is that they are followers of the thought of the Elder Gods, being that it's impossible for the Elder Gods to convene with mortals in any way (Unlike the Ascended and Dg'na). They are lead by "The Chosen", a single person said to be chosen by the Elder Gods. Little is known about this organization other than that they exist in the world somewhere.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by MstrCorvus on Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:49 am

I wouldn't put creative thinker under special abilities but would put it in the personality section.

There needs to be a picture of your character in the profile just to help people out with visualising. (Preferably in a spoiler tag.)

There are some punctuation problems so I suggest proofreading over it and just checking all that out. Running it through a word processor can be good as well.

It'd be nice if there was some more detail in the history, making it longer and detailing a bit more about his time during training and his time as a knight just to make him a bit more developed. Overall, I'd put this profile at a good first draft.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Soraace on Sun Apr 20, 2014 5:33 am

I have updated the profile as best I can I am ready for another round of being hit by the banhammer.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Azabiel on Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:19 pm

It looks better. It might be good to work on the punctuation and grammar of some bits still. Just give it another once over if you can, and I'll take a more in depth look at it when I'm not busy laying down new flooring.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Soraace on Mon Apr 21, 2014 8:57 pm

It has has been updated again. I want to thank you Azabiel for helping with the grammar issues.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Azabiel on Mon Apr 21, 2014 9:26 pm

It may or may not be long enough. It looks like it's right around the standard acceptable history length, but for that artifact, more could be required. Actually, now that I think about it, the majority of your profile is explaining getting the artifact but not really much else about his past.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Soraace on Thu Apr 24, 2014 12:05 am

Reupdated again. Primarily on the first and third paragraphs of the history section.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Azabiel on Thu Apr 24, 2014 9:19 pm

I'll go ahead and say this is probably good enough to be APPROVED

Just need a second approval before you can use that pesky artifact.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Soraace on Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:31 pm

It may be pesky, but it will be the first artifact for the game.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by MstrCorvus on Sun Apr 27, 2014 8:25 am

I would change 'a branch to land' in the last paragraph to 'establishing a branch in the land'. Just a grammar thing.

'too evaluate him' should be 'to evaluate him'.

I'd change 'the merchants of Verseau' to 'some merchants from Verseau' because in reality, there'd be more than one group of people trading goods to/from Verseau.

'let him stay with him' should be 'let him stay with them'

You should mention specifically mentioned what the 'rite' (not right) was. It can be something symbolic like recovering a holy item or something more practical like serving as a guard to a small village for x amount of time.

Aside from that, I'd give the profile a look over and maybe read it out loud to check the punctuation. Some parts could be better worded but I don't point them out specifically because any writer needs to know how to proofread their own work for small mistakes likes that.

Apart from the grammar and whatnot, the content of the profile is totally good. I would just, in future, like to see your profiles a bit more elaborate and not so simplistic in the personality and ability sections. More description is always nice in profiles because it gives more depth to the character and also just is nicer to read for the admins and other users.

So get those errors fixed up, do a read-aloud and fix up that grammar and I'll give it my stamp of approval.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by Soraace on Sun Apr 27, 2014 2:20 pm

Grammar and reasoning updated carter.
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Re: Aeron Phoenixwing

Post by MstrCorvus on Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:52 pm

I'll give this my stamp of approval

Saying that, in future I'd like to see your profiles a lot more in depth and keep working on that grammar.
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